Column, April 12, 1934, Page 3
I been thinking a lot about war lately. Everybody I meet keeps talking about Antie War this and Antie War that. Do you know, Georgie, she ain't even a person. Antie War is just don't fight because you will get hurt even if you don't start up and just when you win you lose. It's kind of complicated but it's so clear.
We're going to have a demonstration for Antie War tomorrow. All my friends are going to walk out of class at eleven o'clock on account of we decided than nursing is a sickening job and we like our boy friends a lot so they mustn't die just because somebody started a fight and couldn't protect himself alone. Georgie, I'm even coming to school two hours ahead so I can march with Antie War on account of People have ought to learn that we don't want to fight so they should quit trying to make trouble to give us some work.
Georgie, I feel like a pioneer who has just discovered a miracle that don't exist ever until now. I thought up a marvelous plan for how to arrange a good sensible economical war. First of all, don't let anybody enlist only the cranks and pessimists and those who are always being sick and some who think the world is awful so why do we live and then those who always say I think I'll commit suicide one of these days. The government should only pay the funeral expenses and no compensations or bonuses, on account of it is a service to help people go where they want to.
The weapons have got to be domestic products to increase the incomes of the manufacturers and chemists, only they ought to use swords with poisoned tips. You sec, Georgie, I kind of think its a good idea to have all the armies fight lots of duels until only one man is left. Then the. country wins if his man is the one that lives and the government should present him with a burial vault for a consolation, on account of he didn't get killed.
A war like this shouldn't last more than a .month. I think it's nicer than having all the cute young men get killed, because once I studied in biology that the chances are four to one against having sons, and lots of nice girls still want to get married, don't they Georgie? My war would develop a race of tall and handsome people, on account of all the mopes will he dead.
You know Georgie, if countries needed money real bad, they could call the war a circus and charge admission to see the heros and the duels and then that would pay for all the funerals and the government will have a profit besides! Ain't that swell?